Logan knows a lot of people far better than I do and he still texted me first asking me to tell him when I head out tonight. We're all scared of getting there first. We're scared of each other and talking to each other and reaching out to each other and sending the first text and showing interest and if I don't show interest, nobody will ever show interest to me, like, we all like each other so much that we have to pretend we hate each other. It's a pretty well known thing, but still, I do it. I think that when I'm out, I am going to have to start taking a deep breathe and telling myself that it really is okay! That some people just might not like you. And that if someone isn't already inclined towards liking you, then they might never.
I don't think I was ever afraid of what to say to Noah or Austin, or the whole Gratz friend group to begin with. I definitely was a little bit, but I also wasn't. They were sold on us the moment that they met us. I think that I need to trust in that again, that the universe might just be taking me to where I need to go or not go, but at least try. I mean, the worse that can happen is that I am back to searching again. And I know that I am so tired of it, but it will just be right.
I love that I can meet anyone at anytime and that I feel really empty sometimes even though I know I should be grateful. That I can still love and hope and grow attached to people I've only just met and that anyone might be a phase but then there is still the possibility that we'll know each other forever because we are all just looking for each other in the end. I love that we can't just admit how lonely we are but I wish we could so that we could feel much more honest with our intentions. And that the people who push people away are really just lonely too and we all just have to learn on our own and get hurt by each other but we do just live and when we're gone, and people aren't around, they might still be around and how long you had them for doesn't really matter because at least you had them in the first place. And they still existed. And my carpet smells like the washing machine just the way I used to dig my nose into the scent of my clothes when they were fresh, and his clothes, I would just lay there sniffing, so breathing, and it would make me feel so calm and it was all just me, breathing in and out through my nose.